Feeling Confident
It’s taken a long time and two babies to feel this way. For what feels like the first time in my life, I finally feel confident with myself. I am confident of who am I and being in my own body. The body that has changed drastically in the last 5 years. While I’d like to say the shift started after I had Bo, I really noticed a difference after Bee. After Bo, I was trying to figure out how to be a parent; how to care for a child, a career, and a house. And doing all of this during a pandemic. Needless to say, I just didn’t. I was so anxious about deviating from his schedule and the fear of no sleep that I felt blocked. I just couldn’t comprehend doing anything different but sticking to our routine. With Bee, I feel so much more at ease, it’s liberating. When Bee joined our family, she came with pure joy that captured all of us and even though Bo has his moments of jealousy as any young child would, his nurturing side is coming out.
We’ve been going on fun adventures and seeing people. I’m more confident in going places with the kids, in asserting myself, and being in my own skin. This is glaringly evident to me in the last 2 weeks as I returned to work from maternity leave. I’ve been away for just shy of 1 year and I came back to a very different place with a lot of new people. The transition has not been easy with the workload and two kids. I’m so grateful to my boss for her flexibility but it doesn’t negate the hours spent at night and on the weekend. This time around, I’m not trying to come back at the same speed as I left, even though that’s been the expectation. I recognize that while I like to work and I like talking to people and using my mind to problem solve, I also want to be home with my kids.
Which leads me to my announcement to hold myself accountable - I’m giving myself six months to figure “it” out. “It” being something that will allow me to contribute to this world in a meaningful way, while helping to support my family and be home for my kids. I am writing it out for the world to see. I have this feeling that I’m on the cusp of something. I’m journaling, manifesting and praying for guidance. I finally feel like I know my worth and I know what’s important to me, I just need to figure out what that is.
The last piece of this new found confidence is that I’m finally dressing in a way that feels good to me. I did not realize what an impact wearing clothes that I fit me would have. And not just fit but how I see myself in them. When I look in the mirror just before herding two kids out the door (because that’s what the morning rush is), I’m happy with who I see looking back at me. I’m confident in my clothes. After Bo, I didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t know what I felt comfortable in and I gravitated towards neutral colors. I also didn’t want to spend money on clothes. If it wasn’t baby/kid clothes then I wasn’t purchasing it. I figured I’d just wear the same clothes I did before I was pregnant. While they “fit” my body, I just didn’t feel great in them. I love dresses but have a hard time finding ones I like coupled with the dreadful thigh-rub. Ugh. Thankfully, one day while I was scrolling Instagram, @karrielocher posted about thin biker shorts she wears under dresses. GENIUS. Like, why have I never thought to do that? Now, I know that they make those lovely balms you can rub on the inside of your thighs but at this stage in my life when I’m squatting, bending and hoisting two children on my hips, the more upper thigh that’s covered under a dress, the better. This has been a game changer for me and after wearing dresses this summer and to work the past two weeks, I’m hooked. I also have a lot of difficulty finding dresses that fit me and that I feel good in. By some miracle, I’ve found quite a few over the summer and then for the fall photo shoot. I’ll share them in the next post as this one decided to be a marathoner!
Now time for some self reflection, what helps you feel confident?
