The end of my maternity leave

Bee starts daycare tomorrow and I am struggling. With this being my last week of leave, I decided to take this with to transition Bee to daycare by sending her a couple of hours on her set days. I have been so privileged to have an extended maternity leave and I am grateful my department and employer was supportive of my requested leave. However, it doesn’t make this any easier. Bee is 10 months, still nursing about 6 times per day and is attached to me, more so than Bo ever was. This postpartum period was so different than Bo’s, mainly because we aren’t in the midst of a global pandemic. I’ve been able to take a solid 10 months to spend with my baby and it’s been incredible. I’ve been present and am in awe of her development. She’s such a joy to be around and the thought of leaving her for 9 hours a day is so much to process.

With Bo, I started back to work at 6 months PP but it was remote since it was April 2020. We didn’t have childcare due to the pandemic so I was working and taking care of a 6 month old at the same time. We hired my sister as an afternoon babysitter but it was still challenging. Working around naps and in the evenings after bed. To be honest, I think our relationship suffered from it. I was so stressed returning from leave but not being face to face with people while also making sure I was proving to my employer that I was an asset to the department. Bo didn’t like the divided attention, rightfully so, and I was just anxious, stressed and angry most of the time. When he started daycare at 18 months, it was a welcome relief for both of us. He loved daycare and I was able to get a solid amount of work done in the morning.

With Bee, everything is back in person. I’m dreading figuring out pumping at work, packing her bag and lunch, and dealing with the stress of work.